March 2020 Newsletter

Dear Vanguard Families,

We continue with the components of the DESSA/CASEL system this month, focusing on teaching our children personal responsibility. The concept of personal responsibility is not something we’re born with—it’s something that has to be taught and nurtured over time in each one of us, and it’s something that we have to teach our kids too.

The problem with personal responsibility is that it isn’t particularly…well…fun. In fact, most responsibilities are time-consuming and boring, at least from the perspective of a child. Because of this, kids have a natural tendency to avoid taking on responsibilities, or they may fail to fulfill them. It takes a lot of discipline and practice for a kid to stay on task when something isn’t fun. 

Teaching personal responsibility is not particularly fun either. It requires us as parents, teachers, counselors and caregivers to convey the meaning of responsibility, model it in our language and behavior, and keep our kids accountable. This can be especially difficult at the end of a hard day at work.  

Here are some tips to keep in mind when teaching this all-important, yet difficult, life lesson:

1. Teach and model responsibility — It’s important to sit down and explain to children what responsibility means. Responsibilities are like commitments or promises—they’re the things you have a duty to do, the things that are your job, and the things you’re involved in where other people are depending on you. We can model the concept of responsibility by consciously setting an example. For instance, we may say “My responsibility is to go to work, and so that is where I’m going” or “I’m going grocery shopping because it’s my responsibility to make sure you have food to eat.” 
2. Setting limits and saying “No”—We love our kids, and we want them to be happy. As a result, we may err on the side of giving in to their wishes. Giving our kids what they want may provide them with some fleeting happiness in the short term, but in the long term a kid who hasn’t learned personal responsibility will lack many of the important tools required to function well in life. For this reason, we must set limits and say “no” when it is appropriate.  For instance, we might say something like “No, you may not go to bed without brushing your teeth. It is important that you keep your teeth healthy. This is not negotiable.”    
3. Setting expectations—It can be difficult for kids to keep up with their responsibilities if they haven’t been given clear directions and expectations. Make sure that the expectations you set for your child are within reason. Big tasks may need to be broken down into smaller tasks in order to provide greater clarity. For instance, a child whose room is a mess may feel overwhelmed when told to “clean your room”. It may be necessary to break the task down into smaller, more manageable sections. For instance, we could say something like “I need you to put all of your Legos in the Lego box.”  
4. Use rewards—As caregivers and parents, we do not want to fall into the trap of only disciplining or correcting our kids when they’ve done something wrong. It is equally important (if not more important) to praise them for doing well! Kids who demonstrate personal responsibility should be rewarded for their efforts. Rewards can be something as simple as loving, supportive language, tangible items, access to privileges, and/or other anything else that is appropriate and valued by the child.
5. Provide structure, routine and consequences—Children need structure and routine to thrive. Knowing what to expect helps kids make the connection between their actions and the results that naturally follow. This connection is also reinforced when we allow our kids to experience consequences (when appropriate). For instance, we may say something like “The reason you’re so tired this morning is because you stayed up late last night.”

Thank you,

Steven Barnett, MS, LPC
Middle School Counselor